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Dear Trainer!
I'm practicing with "transforming
the pain of unmet
needs into the beauty
of the need." In
identifying my unmet
needs, I come up
with "fairness." However,
fairness isn't on
the needs list! I'm
wondering what needs
might be underneath "fairness." Here
is my process so
far:
Observation: I asked
Jesse to help enter
data sheets, and
he spent the last
twenty minutes talking
about the philosophy
of race categories,
rather than entering
in any sheets. Our
deadline for entering
sheets is in two
weeks, and Shannon
needs help with them.
She is feeling overwhelmed
with all she has
to do, and Jesse
has time on his hands.
Jackals: He
is so lazy! He
isn’t pulling
his weight here!
He wastes time when
others are working
so hard to get things
done.
Feeling: exasperation,
frustration, annoyed.
Needs: fairness (?)
- that Shannon be
able to work a little
less hard and others
work a little harder.
Shared values - that
everyone in the office
value hard work?
Cooperation - that
Jesse cooperate with
my request? Consideration
- that we all are
considerate of each
other's workloads
and pitch in to help
when needed? Mutuality? Support?
Respect? Community? Caring?
Do you have any other
thoughts about what
the need might be,
or any other insights
around fairness?
Thanks so much for
any suggestions you
may have.
M.D., Minnesota
Hi
M.D.,
There are two levels
at which I would
like to respond to
your question. First
I want to tell you,
in general, why I
wouldn’t put “fairness” on
the needs list. Then
I also want to offer
you some comments
about your process
as you describe it.
To me, whenever anyone
uses the language
of “fairness” I
hear through it concepts
of what “should” happen.
I am concerned that
using this language
more likely will
lead to separation
rather than connection.
I tend to believe
that, overall, what
we long for when
we invoke “fairness” is
trust that everyone’s
needs will matter.
Often I imagine it’s
some people’s
needs that we worry
won’t be included,
and we want “fairness” for
these people, either
ourselves or someone
we care about. In
the example you brought
forward, I imagine
it’s Shannon’s
needs and others
in the office that
you care about, wanting
to trust that their
needs are included
and matter. Wondering
if this captures
for you anything
of the essence of “fairness” and
why I might not want
to include it in
the needs list? One
last thing: I try
to keep the needs
list as far away
from right/wrong
thinking as possible,
so that when we speak
needs we are likely
to be in needs consciousness
instead.
Now I would like to
comment a little
about your process.
In all the examples
you put forth of
needs that you found,
it looked to me like
you “married” the
need you identified
very closely with
the strategy you
have in mind for
what would meet that
need. For example,
cooperation, which
I see as a need,
seems to mean that
Jesse cooperate with
your request, and
that I see as a strategy.
Or, shared values
means everyone value
hard work. In my
experience, it is
only when we can
truly see the need
that we have in its
timeless, essential
quality, that we
can experience the
shift into the place
of beauty and relief.
Otherwise we are
still secretly stuck
on getting our need
met in the way we
initially envisioned…
So, in this example,
I imagine that if
you can just sit
with how much you
want a sense of shared
holding, how much
you want care and
for everyone’s
needs to matter (including
Jesse’s… J),
then you will experience
the shift, and find
ways of connecting
with Jesse that will
be much sweeter and
will lend themselves
to more connection
and creativity in
finding strategies
that will work for
everyone.
Hi
M.D.,