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By Mary Mackenzie, September 21, 2010 12:28 PM

Blame, blame, blame….it is so easy to blame, isn’t it?

I’m discouraged over how automatic and easy it is to blame.  The other day I was driving in an area I didn’t know so I turned on my trusted GPS unit (Daniel) and entered my information.  Daniel was taking more time than usual and so I started out in the direction I suspected was correct.  No sooner had I gotten started when Daniel said in his calm British accent, “Recalculating.”  And I said in a voice louder than I am proud of, “Well, you didn’t tell me where to go!”

Kaboom.  I blamed a computer.  I actually blamed a computer.

Why do we blame others (people or objects)?  I think blame is a habit we engage in to reassure ourselves that we’re okay, good enough or loveable.  Blame and judgment happen so quickly we don’t even notice that we’re doing it most of the time.  And, whenever we blame, two things for sure happen:

1.  We create separation between ourselves and other people.

2.  We usually say something or do something that will prevent us from meeting our needs.

So, today I vow once again to watch my blame and judgments, to have compassion for myself for how habitual this pattern of thinking is, and to consciously choose a different behavior.  How about you?

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By John Kinyon, August 2, 2010 9:53 PM

NVC Mediation Year Long Program Promotional Call 7/1/10

Increase your skills to:

~    Return to presence and connection in the intensity of conflict

~    Facilitate people in conflict hearing each other and connecting

~    Translate judgments into a language of compassion with greater

ease and naturalness

~    Contribute to personal healing/growth for others, and yourself

~    Support people working together to get everyone’s needs met

Mediate multiple dimensions of conflict:

~      Gain powerful skills for helping people resolve conflicts

~      Successfully mediate conflicts in your own life

~      Create peace between warring voices in your own head

~      Lend your skills informally in conflict situations

~      Apply mediation skills to conflict coaching and groups

About the program

At the heart of our program is the conviction that one’s ability to be with conflict and intervene effectively involves learnable skills; and that when applied holistically a person can produce connection and compassionate resolution both internally and externally, formally and informally. The program is a learning community in which you develop the capacity for centeredness and presence in the midst of conflict and the skills to mediate from a language of compassion. Our goal by the end of the program is that you experience confidence and effectiveness responding to all aspects of conflict – within yourself, between yourself and others, and helping others who are in conflict.

The mediation process is based in the language, skills and consciousness of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg. The program provides an intensive, in-depth experience mediating all types of conflict situations:

• personal and family relationships
• community
• business/organizational

Emphasis is placed on seeing the relationship with conflict as a life practice of returning to presence (i.e. mindful awareness) and mediating from self-connection and clarity of requesting what we’d like to contribute to self and others.

The Immersion Program includes:

• three 5-day intensive residential retreats over a roughly 9 month period
• weekly telephone dyad and triad practice with fellow participants
• individual self-connection and skill-building practices
• monthly joint teleconference sessions over an 11 month period (includes 2 months after the 3^rd retreat to support extension and integration of the training into life goals)

Cost and registration

• Recommended prior NVC experience: A foundations of NVC class/workshop *
• Location: Calistoga, N. California
• Residential Retreat Cost: $600-875 per retreat, depending on type of accommodations you choose
• Request for Tuition/Financial Support for Facilitators and Organizers: $800-1,500 for the Oct. retreat and $2,400-5000 for the year Immersion Program
• For more information on the Oct retreat and Immersion Program:  goto nvcmediation.com or Email nvcmediation@johnkinyon.com or call John Kinyon @ 510-222-5574
• Next promotional telecall with Ike and John will be on Aug 30th at 6:00pm Pacific. To tune in please email johnkinyon@gmail.com for more information or go to nvcmediation.com .

* To get NVC training before the first retreat, let us know and we may be able to arrange training for you.

What is NVC mediation?

This approach focuses on facilitating understanding and connection that leads to the emergence of new possibilities and solutions. NVC mediation supports each side feeling heard to their satisfaction, both in understanding each other’s particular experience and connecting at a universal level of human needs. The process moves from thinking that creates conflict to language that reconnects people to their natural compassion – the enjoyment of contributing to one another’s well being and working together to find mutually beneficial solutions.

Comments (5)

By Mary Mackenzie, July 22, 2010 8:41 AM

This morning I went to the club to swim laps.  I had forgotten my swim suit a couple of days ago and so I asked the desk clerk to look in the lost and found for it.  It wasn’t there and so I said out loud (much to my disappointment), “I can’t believe someone stole my swim suit!”  I went back to the locker room so see if it was there and then went back to the clerk and said, “Is there anyplace else you can check?  I just can’t believe someone would steal my swimsuit.”  He checked a few other places and determined it wasn’t there.

Not having other workout clothes, I couldn’t think of anything else I could do for a workout so I hopped into the Jacuzzi.  While sitting in the Jacuzzi, I started to notice my thinking which went something like this, “I can’t believe someone stole my swimsuit.”  “I’ve been coming here for years and nothing has ever been stolen.”  “I’ve lived in Flagstaff for 20 years and nothing has ever been stolen.” “This used to be such a safe place to live.”

After about 5 minutes I woke up.  Sat straight up in the Jacuzzi and said out loud (fortunately, no one else was around), “Mary, what do you actually know?”  I answered, “That I left my swim suit here on Tuesday and Thursday it wasn’t here.”

I said this to myself a couple of times until I calmed down.  Then, I felt embarrassed of what I had said to the desk clerk and my thoughts in the next several minutes, so I gave myself empathy for wanting to be more conscious, to live without blame, to Live in the Observation.  Deep breath.

To me, Living in the Observation, is a spiritual, moment-to-moment practice.  It requires me to WAKE UP, notice what I’m thinking or saying, and bring myself right back to the observation.  In doing this, I don’t allow myself to linger in the suffering I cause by what I make up about a situation.  In this case, what I made up was that someone stole my swim suit, that Flagstaff wasn’t a safe place anymore, and that my club wasn’t a safe place anymore.  All of those thoughts caused me suffering – self-induced suffering.  When I can bring myself back to what I know “I left my suit at the club on Tuesday and it wasn’t there on Thursday,” I can pull myself out of suffering and relax.

I don’t know what happened to my suit.  Maybe it was stolen.  Maybe it was ruined (because I left it in the sauna to dry) and so someone threw it away, maybe something else.  The point is I don’t actually know what happened to it, so imagining what might have happened to it only causes suffering.  I prefer to Live in the Observation so I can enjoy my life experience more.

Okay, so here’s a bit of gratitude.  The time span from the time I walked into the club and when I woke up in the Jacuzzi was approximately 10 minutes.  I used to live entire years in self-induced suffering.  I am incredibly grateful that I WAKE UP much more quickly now.

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By admin, July 17, 2010 7:41 AM

Filmed at the Mello Center Theater, Watsonville, Ca Friday, July 11, 2008, during the Mello Center’s Season of Nonviolence

Kelly gives a talk about Nonviolent Communication. part 5 of 5.

Also, check out this free audio snippet from Kelly’s audio recording: Love Without Conditions, Control or Coercion through NVC.

Comments (4)

By Mary Mackenzie, July 1, 2010 4:36 PM

Today I got a handwritten card from someone who is visiting family in Ohio.  She wrote to tell me how much she appreciates my book Peaceful Living that was published in 2005.  Then, she mentioned that she was writing because she’d heard about the forest fires in Flagstaff and wanted me to know she was thinking about me and wishing me well.  I don’t know this person and don’t recall having any previous correspondence with her.

I am so touched by this card and the sentiment because of the community, care, and love I receive from it.  You know, sometimes I just go about my life and forget how many lives I touch just by living.  Do you ever feel as if what you’re doing isn’t making a difference?  Or, that you’re not making progress?

I have felt that way many, many times in my life.  And then today I get a card from someone in Ohio who tells me she’s thinking about me and appreciating my book and hoping I am safe.

I believe my role is to live each day in integrity with my values as best as I can.  To keep showing up for life valuing all needs, focused on the life in each of us, and committed to nonviolence.  When I do this I feel better about myself and I feel better about everyone who crosses my path.

I am so grateful to be reminded of this, and equally grateful to know that there are people thinking of me and wishing me well, even when I am not aware of it.  This helps bolster my commitment to live in NVC consciousness.

I write this now because I want to express gratitude and to let you know I’m thinking about you; whoever reads this, I’m thinking about you and sending love.

mary

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By Miki Kashtan, June 12, 2010 12:56 PM

with Miki Kashtan Ph.D, Certified CNVC Trainer and Author; and Roxy Manning, Clinical Psychologist

• Do you want to deepen your capacity for presence with your clients?

• Would you like to gain fluency in being transparent?

• Are you excited about placing human needs at the heart of your approach?

• Do you long to maintain an authentic human connection both with yourself and with your clients?

Read more…

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By Kelly Bryson, June 10, 2010 3:54 PM

Filmed at the Mello Center Theater, Watsonville, Ca Friday, July 11, 2008, during the Mello Center’s Season of Nonviolence

Kelly gives a talk about Nonviolent Communication. part 4 of 5.

Comments (0)

By Mary Mackenzie, June 1, 2010 12:41 PM

I’m in Hawaii for three weeks offering a variety of trainings.  Nearly every day I express my gratitude that I get to do work that I love so much, in a place that is so beautiful to me, and to work with people whom I love.  Ahhh.

There have been many moments that I have thought, “remember this for the blog, Mary,” but have been distracted by all the beauty and joy and snorkeling and hiking with friends.  So, this morning, I will write about one thing and I hope to write again tomorrow.

I was in the second day of a 4-day retreat and I noticed that I felt uncomfortable with one of the participants and my inner chatter was saying, “He’s not satisfied with the workshop” and “He’s smirking” and “I actually have no idea what’s going on with him!”  I became aware of my jackal howling at the lunch break.

Does your jackal howl in your ear for a while before you notice her?  Sometimes, mine howls for a while before I become aware of her.  I believe this is because it is so familiar to have judgmental or critical thoughts.  NVC is teaching me how to become more aware of my jackal inner voice and to respond to her much more quickly, rather than be complacent in my judgments. Continue reading 'Committing to Connection, not Judgment'»

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By Mary Mackenzie, May 21, 2010 3:36 PM

Yesterday I boarded a flight from Phoenix, Arizona to Oahu, Hawaii.  It was to be a 6.5 hour flight.  I had taken special care to reserve a window seat.  Upon boarding, I realized that I was seated in the middle seat, in the middle of the plane.  I was so frustrated and annoyed!   6.5 hours in the middle seat!

So, I was getting myself settled in my seat with an undercurrent of grumpy judgementalism.  The first thing that happened was a man in the row behind me offered to hold my tea while I got myself settled.  Next the man sitting to the left of me offered to hold my tea while I buckled my seatbelt.  Next, the man sitting to the right of me offered me the Phoenix newspaper that he had just finished.  This all transpired while I was grumbling internally, empathizing with myself, feeling worried about how uncomfortable I’m going to be for the next 6.5 hours, blaming airport employees for my miserable situation, etc.

Within 10 minutes, well before the plane started moving, I remembered that if I continue on this course, I will ensure that my flight is utterly miserable.  So, I took a deep breath, began empathizing with myself in earnest (not just enjoying the jackal show!), and began to shift my attitude.  Then, I napped for about 30 minutes because I realized (through self empathy) that the biggest obstacle for me was only getting 4 hours of sleep the night before.

Continue reading 'Shift Your Attitude, Shift Your Experience'»

Comments (1)

By Mary Mackenzie, May 11, 2010 4:09 PM

I had an incident happen about a week ago and it took a few days for me to take the time to give myself self-empathy.  What came up was my longing for softness.  I have had a series of things that have happened in my life since September that have been harsh and hard and sad including my mother’s death, a very long and cold winter with over 160″ of snow, and a more intense than usual allergy season and many other things.  So, when I connected to a desire for softness I cried and cried.  I gave myself a lot of time to let this sink in and to remember other times when I’d received tender softness.

The mourning was very healing.

In an effort to support the need for softness I allowed myself long baths, longer than usual quiet time in the morning, and time to connect with a few friends who I find especially nurturing to be with.

Two days later I was on a plane that was VERY turbulent.  It was only a 30 minute flight but the plane rocked vigorously the entire time.  I ran to the connecting flight and only had about 3 minutes before getting on the next flight.  So, I boarded feeling nauseous.

I wrapped myself in my shawl, turned the overhead fan on, closed my eyes and tried to calm myself and my body.  I had a 3-hour flight and then a 35 minute ferry ride still to go on this trip.  After a few minutes the man next to me tapped my shoulder and said, “Do you want the fan on?”

“What?”

“Do you want the fan on?”

“Yes,” I said.  “Is it bothering you?”

“No,” he said.  “I just saw you wrapped in your shawl and I thought you might be cold.  I wanted you to know that I could turn it off for you.  I’m okay with it being on, though.”

He said all this with a huge and inviting smile.  He had one of those really warm faces.  The kind of face you just want to crawl into.

I felt so touched by his simple act of kindness and regard.  And I instantly remembered my self-empathy and my request to myself and the universe for softness.

This is one of the reasons I love self-empathy….because I clarify what I want and then I recognize it when it arrives.  Had I not just discovered through self-empathy that I wanted softness, I wouldn’t have noticed that my request was answered.  I still would have enjoyed this man’s kindness (probably) but I wouldn’t have seen it as a response to my request.

When I see it as a response to my request then that meets my needs for appreciation, gratitude, reassurance, trust and so many more.  My enjoyment and wonder deepens as a result.  In this particular moment, it helped alleviate my physical discomfort too.  And, ultimately moved me from an experience of fear (of throwing up in a bag!  Ack!)  to gratitude.  Awwww.  I just love that!

Here’s to the people who touch our lives so sweetly and who probably have no idea how sweet our passing was to us!