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By Mary Mackenzie, December 26, 2011 11:41 AM

Happy Holidays!  This song / message from John Lennon and Yoko Ono was inspiring and lovely for me to receive.  I hope you enjoy it as well.  It reminds me that peace starts with me and it’s possible if I am committed to it in my life.  It takes true commitment, even a kind of fierceness, to live nonviolently and in such a way that values all needs.

On this day, I say I am committed for one more day to live my value of nonviolence.  I hope you’ll join me.

John Lennon and Yoko Ono:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cJOm72QDDA&feature=related

Warmest Holiday wishes to you,

Mary

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By Miki Kashtan, February 3, 2011 2:45 PM

Friday, March 4th, 2011, 4:30-6:30PM at the First Congregational Church of Oakland

Register

Would you like to become a resource in your community?

This engaging workshop is one fruit of Miki Kashtan’s commitment to transforming the ways we interact with each other and the larger world. People at all skill levels can dive deeply into the world of possibilities that open up with a practice of empathic presence in our communities. This workshop is designed to support you in the following areas:

* capacity to stay present in challenging situations
* ability to reflect your understanding regardless of content
* competence in checking for understanding of deeper meaning of what is shared
* willingness to listen empathically, without trying to solve problems

This workshop is highly interactive and includes exercises using situations volunteered by class participants as material for learning.  Repeated attendance is encouraged, as learning and insights arise freshly each time.
What past participants have said about this workshop:

“For once a seminar leader didn’t try to cram in too much stuff, but instead really committed to her material and ‘let it breathe.’ Very effective!”
~ Floyd Smith

“Miki Kashtan’s class reintroduced me to the value of silence as part of deep listening. The most profound moment came when my partner and I looked into each other’s faces without saying a word. It was both uncomfortable and transformative, and the experience is still with me. I believe this is a vital skill to take into any kind of community building setting, where many people are more focused on giving their opinions than deeply listening to other participants.”
~ Judy Pope

Miki Kashtan, certified NVC trainer, is a founder of Bay Area Nonviolent Communication and the North America Leadership Program. Miki consults private and public sector organizations, leads NVC workshops and retreats, and facilitates conferences around the world. . She also hosts a monthly call-in television show, The Conflict Hotline, which is viewable through http://bit.ly/conflict-hotline. She holds a Ph.D. in sociology from the University of California at Berkeley. You can read her writings at baynvc.blogspot.com.
10-minute video interview of Miki Kashtan discussing empathy.

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By Mary Mackenzie, November 11, 2010 7:42 AM

Neuroscientist Dr. Tania Singer was recently at Stanford University during the Dalai Lama’s visit.  She was interviewed about the definitions and differences between empathy, compassion and courage.  Her definitions are somewhat different than in a traditional NVC model and I enjoyed listening to her responses and pondering how her views matched or disagreed with mine.

As far as empathy, compassion and courage go, I don’t think there are any right/wrong answers and pondering the deeper meaning of all three can indeed expand ones experience of all.  For this reason, I encourage you to listen to what Dr. Singer has to say.

Dr. Tania Singer answers questions about Empathy, Compassion and Courage

Peace to you all,

Mary

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By Mary Mackenzie, June 1, 2010 12:41 PM

I’m in Hawaii for three weeks offering a variety of trainings.  Nearly every day I express my gratitude that I get to do work that I love so much, in a place that is so beautiful to me, and to work with people whom I love.  Ahhh.

There have been many moments that I have thought, “remember this for the blog, Mary,” but have been distracted by all the beauty and joy and snorkeling and hiking with friends.  So, this morning, I will write about one thing and I hope to write again tomorrow.

I was in the second day of a 4-day retreat and I noticed that I felt uncomfortable with one of the participants and my inner chatter was saying, “He’s not satisfied with the workshop” and “He’s smirking” and “I actually have no idea what’s going on with him!”  I became aware of my jackal howling at the lunch break.

Does your jackal howl in your ear for a while before you notice her?  Sometimes, mine howls for a while before I become aware of her.  I believe this is because it is so familiar to have judgmental or critical thoughts.  NVC is teaching me how to become more aware of my jackal inner voice and to respond to her much more quickly, rather than be complacent in my judgments. Continue reading 'Committing to Connection, not Judgment'»

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By Mary Mackenzie, May 21, 2010 3:36 PM

Yesterday I boarded a flight from Phoenix, Arizona to Oahu, Hawaii.  It was to be a 6.5 hour flight.  I had taken special care to reserve a window seat.  Upon boarding, I realized that I was seated in the middle seat, in the middle of the plane.  I was so frustrated and annoyed!   6.5 hours in the middle seat!

So, I was getting myself settled in my seat with an undercurrent of grumpy judgementalism.  The first thing that happened was a man in the row behind me offered to hold my tea while I got myself settled.  Next the man sitting to the left of me offered to hold my tea while I buckled my seatbelt.  Next, the man sitting to the right of me offered me the Phoenix newspaper that he had just finished.  This all transpired while I was grumbling internally, empathizing with myself, feeling worried about how uncomfortable I’m going to be for the next 6.5 hours, blaming airport employees for my miserable situation, etc.

Within 10 minutes, well before the plane started moving, I remembered that if I continue on this course, I will ensure that my flight is utterly miserable.  So, I took a deep breath, began empathizing with myself in earnest (not just enjoying the jackal show!), and began to shift my attitude.  Then, I napped for about 30 minutes because I realized (through self empathy) that the biggest obstacle for me was only getting 4 hours of sleep the night before.

Continue reading 'Shift Your Attitude, Shift Your Experience'»

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By Mary Mackenzie, May 11, 2010 4:09 PM

I had an incident happen about a week ago and it took a few days for me to take the time to give myself self-empathy.  What came up was my longing for softness.  I have had a series of things that have happened in my life since September that have been harsh and hard and sad including my mother’s death, a very long and cold winter with over 160″ of snow, and a more intense than usual allergy season and many other things.  So, when I connected to a desire for softness I cried and cried.  I gave myself a lot of time to let this sink in and to remember other times when I’d received tender softness.

The mourning was very healing.

In an effort to support the need for softness I allowed myself long baths, longer than usual quiet time in the morning, and time to connect with a few friends who I find especially nurturing to be with.

Two days later I was on a plane that was VERY turbulent.  It was only a 30 minute flight but the plane rocked vigorously the entire time.  I ran to the connecting flight and only had about 3 minutes before getting on the next flight.  So, I boarded feeling nauseous.

I wrapped myself in my shawl, turned the overhead fan on, closed my eyes and tried to calm myself and my body.  I had a 3-hour flight and then a 35 minute ferry ride still to go on this trip.  After a few minutes the man next to me tapped my shoulder and said, “Do you want the fan on?”

“What?”

“Do you want the fan on?”

“Yes,” I said.  “Is it bothering you?”

“No,” he said.  “I just saw you wrapped in your shawl and I thought you might be cold.  I wanted you to know that I could turn it off for you.  I’m okay with it being on, though.”

He said all this with a huge and inviting smile.  He had one of those really warm faces.  The kind of face you just want to crawl into.

I felt so touched by his simple act of kindness and regard.  And I instantly remembered my self-empathy and my request to myself and the universe for softness.

This is one of the reasons I love self-empathy….because I clarify what I want and then I recognize it when it arrives.  Had I not just discovered through self-empathy that I wanted softness, I wouldn’t have noticed that my request was answered.  I still would have enjoyed this man’s kindness (probably) but I wouldn’t have seen it as a response to my request.

When I see it as a response to my request then that meets my needs for appreciation, gratitude, reassurance, trust and so many more.  My enjoyment and wonder deepens as a result.  In this particular moment, it helped alleviate my physical discomfort too.  And, ultimately moved me from an experience of fear (of throwing up in a bag!  Ack!)  to gratitude.  Awwww.  I just love that!

Here’s to the people who touch our lives so sweetly and who probably have no idea how sweet our passing was to us!

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By Kelly Bryson, April 30, 2010 7:33 PM

Filmed at the Mello Center Theater, Watsonville, Ca Friday, July 11, 2008, during the Mello Center’s Season of Nonviolence

Kelly gives a talk about Nonviolent Communication. part 3 of 5.

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By John Kinyon, April 23, 2010 2:40 PM

Learn how to:

• Facilitate people in conflict feeling heard by each other and connected to their shared humanity.
• Empathically connect to others’ experience in challenging conflict situations.
• Translate judgments into need language with greater ease.
• Return to presence and connection in the midst of conflict.
• Make and support clear requests and collaborative solutions.

Develop your abilities to:

• Effectively mediate as a “third side” in your work.
• Lend your skills to support people in conflict.
• Peacefully resolve conflicts you are having with others.
• Transform warring voices in your own head.
• Apply mediation skills to conflict coaching and groups.

Continue reading 'Midwest NVC Mediation 5-Day Immersion Retreat with John Kinyon'»

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By Mary Mackenzie, April 23, 2010 11:33 AM

I leave this afternoon for a 1.5 week training trip.  I’m leading a weekend retreat this weekend in Arizona and then leave for Washington State Tuesday to lead a 4-day retreat, followed by time with my elderly Dad.

I have noticed that whenever I am getting ready to leave for a trip, I feel a lot of stress and it would be easy for me to express myself in a grumpy or disconnected way.

Yesterday, I had a long list of things I wanted to get done and my phone rang way more often than usual, a couple people stopped in to see me at my office unexpectedly, and many of the things I was trying to complete weren’t getting done as easily as I’d hoped.  So, by 2:00pm I was starting to really experience the pressure of it and my jackals began to howl.

This is all so familiar to me.  Yet another time when if I choose to believe my jackals that I can’t get everything done, that people are interrupting me, or that there’s just too much…, I could fall into a heap of overwhelm and despair.

I could feel myself heading down this path and so I chose to give myself empathy several times in the day by saying or thinking to myself, “Ugh.  I would really enjoy more ease and flow.”  Followed by a few deep breaths and then reminding myself how much time I have before leaving.

Continue reading 'Staying Connected Even Under Stress'»