I have listened to Mary Mackenzie’s recent interview on enemy images, found it very thought provoking and I liked the way you articulated the deeply confusing aspect of protective use of force. I have enrolled in NVC Live! and I am very excited about being able to advance my knowledge and practice of NVC. I am a licensed professional counselor specializing in anger management, crave fluency in NVC and have benefited greatly from Lynd Morris’s mentoring. I look forward to adding this resource.
With appreciation,
—L.R., USA

 

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I tend to hear others’ comments as judgments, can you help? I’d like more clarity about the process of giving empathy… Is NVC always, in the end, a one on one process? How do I resolve important conflicting needs? What is the relationship of our feelings to needs and the stories we tell ourselves? Can all needs be met when one person is seriously ill? How can I support my fellow teachers to communicate nonviolently? At a workshop, we only covered empathy. What about expressing honestly? How can a mom connect with a teen that is pulling away? Does NVC work when the pain is very deep?

Actual Responses Received Through Ask the Trainer:

Dear Trainer,

Can you help me connect with my needs behind the protective use of force I use with my children? Thanks, P.R., USA

Listen to hear the full question and Godfrey Spencer's audio response to this question.

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Dear Trainer,

I experience certain beliefs to be detrimental to making a connection.  If the other person refuses to see his request is not actually a need, for instance.  Or if the other person refuses to see you without enemy imagery.  Or if the person has a set of morals or beliefs about obligation and responsibility. 

I realize that these are 3 of the basic tenants of NVC, but if the other person has beliefs in the way, then the game cannot be played, and potential conflict cannot be resolved. 

This seems to be one of the Achilles' heels of the NVC process.  And I would love to be able to know how to work around or break thru them.  Especially if the person in question has some power over me. 

Perhaps that is outside the realms of NVC?  Since the beginning of my NVC education I got the feeling that it was a foundational stage, the first step in a larger course. 

Thanks,

—G. 

Dear G.,

I hear your desire/longing/grappling to really understand this process intellectually. And I'm hearing the confusion and hopes for clarity about how this process works and if it can be used with those who have different beliefs. 

I want to summarize some of what I am hearing you say to deepen my clarity.    

It sounds like you are trying to make meaning for yourself about NVC and to see if it really fits for you?   It seems many people who are repelled by or fighting against the NVC process are approaching you?  I see NVC as an integration of head and heart. To me what is important is to hear what is true for someone. 

The goal of NVC as I see it is connection.  I can connect with someone with very different beliefs, values, ideas, and thoughts by simply acknowledging them as human beings without making people wrong or bad for having ideas that are not similar to mine. 

When I hear someone without defending, explaining, or justifying my  position - I have formed a connection and if I want to educate  someone, I empathize first and really hear what they are saying  before I express my truth. Then, they may have room to take it in and see for themselves whether what I'm saying has meaning for them. 

NVC is not a need; it is simply a strategy for connection. 

I hope what I'm saying make sense to you! 

Sylvia Haskvitz, Tucson, Arizona

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Dear Trainer,

I'm finishing up a toolkit on dialogue and deliberation and am including NVC in the conflict transformation section, but I am lacking any stories of actually transforming conflict in a situation of violent conflict between groups. (I've great "one on one" stories, of course.) Are there any that you could share? Or is that the wrong way to think of the work of NVC, i.e. is it always, in the end, just "one on one"? Thank you so much, N.G.

Hi N.,

I would like to both answer your question and share a specific story with you.

First, your question was whether NVC is “always, in the end, just ‘one-on-one?’”

My response is a resounding “No.” Let me elaborate just a bit, since I would like the main part to be the story you wanted for your toolkit. NVC contains specific tools and skills for dealing with group situations: from ways of surfacing and naming needs which are alive within the group to finding ways of connecting with and addressing those needs. The specific process is to be distinguished from any notion of “group needs.” Whether or not a group is an entity that can have needs (a controversy within the dialogue community), we lack mechanisms for checking in with a group as to what its needs are. All that we can do is get anyone’s or everyone’s interpretation of what the groups’ needs might be. Because of that, the work entails checking in with individuals, not with a group. It is through understanding, connecting with, and attending to the needs of the individuals in the group (or groups) that NVC can create movement in a group situation.

I hope the following story will illustrate this principle. This happened at the 2nd of four quarterly weeklong intensives of a yearlong NVC leadership training program. One member of the group, let’s call her Maya, withdrew from the program at the beginning of this week, and towards the end of the week wanted to come back. Committed to inclusive process, we checked with members of the group how they felt about it. All but one were happy to have this person back. One person, let’s call him Rob, was very upset and triggered, and didn’t want it to happen. The fundamental commitment we have in practicing NVC in a group is that everyone’s needs matter. How to hold that in the face of this moment in a group’s life? In the process of attempting to understand Rob’s needs that led to the strategy of not wanting to include Maya, several other people in the group became quite charged. They were unwilling to let go of accepting Maya back.

At the level of strategies the conflict was clear: Maya wanted to come back, most people wanted her back, and Rob didn’t. While in the course of the long stretch of time we took to resolve this issue many people at different points in time attempted to argue strategies and merit and majority and all that, with our guidance, and with the growing willingness of more and more people to engage in the process of empathy and expression with Rob, with those who became charged about Rob, and with Maya, we were able slowly to peel off the layers of “position” and reach the level of pure needs. The entire conversation was carried out by one individual after another attempting to connect, to express, to empathize. And yet it affected everyone in the group.

One person, let’s call him Arnie, was the one most charged about Rob’s reluctance. For a while he was attempting to empathize with Rob, but Rob did not relax. Needless to say, Arnie felt more frustrated as time went by. He really wanted to find a way to understand Rob fully, and he wanted to find a way to make it work. However, at one point it became clear that he had not fully set aside his attachment to a particular strategy, namely having Maya back. It was through the empathic understanding of other people that he finally was able to stay open and relaxed himself. Within moments afterwards, Rob said: “I am now finally heard. I have no more unmet needs.” All of us in the room were amazed, as we had had no inkling this was coming even a second before. And so someone asked: “Does this mean that you are now willing to have Maya rejoin the group?” To our even greater astonishment, Rob said: “I am not saying that. I am just saying that I don’t have any unmet needs.” Maya joined the group, and the sense of depth and cohesion that pretty much everyone in the group experienced and reported afterwards stayed high for the remainder of the year.

So, to conclude, each step of the way was articulated by one individual. And yet the process involved the group in several ways. First, the decision about Maya affected everyone. Second, the decision about whether or not and how to take time to work out the question of Maya’s return to the group affected the entire group. Third, even when one person was actively involved with empathic listening to another, everyone else was present. It is my experience that empathic connection between two people in a group (or from different groups) affects others in the group; witnessing connection appears to enhance connection for most people I have worked with. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, even though it was only individuals who spoke, many of the expressions addressed the entire group, and included requests of everyone in the group, such as: “Please raise your hand if you are open to continuing this dialogue with Rob.”

In conclusion, the conflict which arose in the group at that time was not between Rob and Maya. It was a conflict that in different ways affected the entire group. It was through connection with all the needs that were present and named by different people at different times that the conflict within the group resolved itself. And the process of engaging with the conflict contributed to more people experiencing safety and trust that their needs matter too.

I hope this helps!

Miki Kashtan, Oakland, CA, USA

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