Ask the Trainer: "I've been feeling frustrated and angry quite a bit lately over very simple things. Can you help me get to the root of my hidden needs?" Ask the Trainer Dear Trainer, I am wondering if anyone can explain how to dig into the deeper needs that we may not be aware of at the time. I have been feeling frustrated and angry quite a bit lately over very simple things and also over the same thing again and again and cannot seem to dig to the root of these feelings. I am beginning to feel extremely frustrated so often lately and need some support on how to begin this personal process. I would very much appreciate any small or large piece of advice or nugget you may have to offer. With great appreciation, —J.S., USA Trainer Answer Dear J.S., I propose that you approach this in two ways. For the first approach, I suggest a process that does exactly what you asked for: a deepening needs exploration. You could use this process for any one of those incidents, or for a number of them. Each time you use it, however, work with just one incident at a time and be specific about the experience. Deepening Needs Exploration For example, let’s imagine that you are angry when you see dishes in the sink. Here are the steps I would recommend:First, find something that you would like. It doesn’t even have to be a need yet. The point of this step is to get your attention on something you want and away from focusing on what is not working. Let’s say that you find that you are frustrated because you want to have the dishes done by someone else. Once you identify a specific outcome that you would like, you can then start unpeeling the needs. For any level you discover, you ask yourself any one of the following questions, whichever seems to open the door to go deeper: What need is served by this outcome? If I had this, what else would this give me? What matters to me about this? Why is this important to me? As you answer these questions, pause each time and stretch inside to connect in full with what you discover. Let’s say that when you ask yourself what getting the dishes washed would give you, you discover on the first round that it will give you order. Then take a moment to connect with how much you value order and rest there for a moment. Then ask the same question again. Let’s say this time you vary it, and you ask yourself what matters to you about order, and then you discover that it’s about stability. Then you do the same, rest in opening your heart to your own need for stability, stay there until it settles, and then ask again. You stop when you are satisfied with your self-connection. Two Dimensions in Anger or Frustration The second approach is to understand that whatever you get angry or frustrated about often has two dimensions to it. One is the specific outcome or content of what happened. The other dimension is about needs that have to do with the quality of relationship you have with the person who angered you. That opens another set of needs. In the case of the dishes, you may need consideration, support or a deep trust that you matter, etc. I have found that often we think we are angry about some particular thing, but the main upset is about the quality of the relationship. If truly all that mattered was the dishes, then I would do them. The fact that I would feel resentment is not about my need for order; it’s about my needs within the relationship, and those have very little, usually, to do with the dishes themselves. I hope this helps! —Miki Kashtan, Oakland, California, USA
