Past Stories, Present Feelings

Ask the Trainer: "I have noticed that sometimes when I am in a story-telling mood I am usually trying to prove that I am right and once I connect with a need the urge to give all the information goes away." Ask the Trainer Dear Trainer, I think I have heard Marshall Rosenberg emphasize that going back to past stories does not help. I have noticed that sometimes when I am in a story telling mood I am usually trying to prove that I am right and that once I connect with a need, the urge to give all the information goes away. However, this is not all that simple. I have a professional relationship that has triggered great pain and inconvenience in my life for the last four and a half years. People from my practice group have offered me 20-25 hours of empathy in the last two years. I have given them some information but never in a coherent manner. We do not usually have enough time but also we are trying to "stay in the present." I found myself grieving two nights ago and the only thing that was coming up is that no one knows fully what I have experienced. I will be meeting with the other person from this professional relationship for NVC mediation. I have some awareness that I resist letting go of my stories because they so much relate to my need for self-dignity and self-worth. I have trouble connecting with the beauty of these needs in this particular case. Our time together will be limited (two, 2-hour sessions at a maximum) and we have our current state of working together to sort out. Any advice on how I can translate the past pain in present feelings, needs and requests? —Anonymous Trainer Answer Dear Anonymous, I have heard people quoting Marshall Rosenberg with comments like the following: "Going back to past stories does not help. Stay in the present." My sense of what Marshall means by this is that the healing comes from connecting to the present feelings and needs that are still alive today based on past situations. In other words, what is presently still needing attention and healing? My guess is that you have not been truly heard and no one has really understood you and the extent of your hurt, and I'm sensing that by telling your story you are hoping someone will truly receive your pain with an open heart. So, I would suggest you first get empathy for what you have been through without worrying that you have had 25 hours so far and that "should" be enough. I'm guessing that you may not have received the "high octane" type of empathy that helps with the healing process. Likely people giving to you were not as thrilled to be present to your pain as you were wanting or desiring. In these types of situations, what I call "tainted empathy" occurs and the receiver does not get the healing and relief they would like because the empathy being sent is not coming from a place of presence but a place of wanting this to be over with already. About your question, "Any advice on how I can translate the past pain in present feelings, needs and requests?" When you think about your experiences with this person, what emotions are still present regarding what happened in the past? What are the needs that are most alive in the moment? When I heard about the 25-30 hours of empathy, I was wondering if you ever really sensed you were understood in a way that brought comfort or relief? Are you so longing to know that someone can relate to and understand your experience because you want to have a sense of a shared reality? What are the jackal judgments still present for you about this person? Get them out on paper and then translate them to see what lies beneath the judgments for you. Is there something you can do to humanize the other person? What are his/her needs for acting or speaking as he/she did? I hope this is helpful for you. —Sylvia Haskvitz, Tucson, Arizona, USA