Empathy – Not Empathy

Beginner Skill Level •  Learning Tool •  Read time: 2 - 3 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Learning Tool
Read time: 2 - 3 minutes
This handout defines and contrasts "empathy" alongside "responses may meet needs, but are not empathy" (such as advice, correcting, consoling, etc).

Requests in a Moment of Reactivity

Beginner Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 3-5 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
Read time: 3-5 minutes
Here are 16 helpful requests you can make before you're swept up in your own reactivity.

Standing in Your Truth and Setting Boundaries

Intermediate Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 8-12 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
Read time: 8-12 minutes
Unhook from a reactive dynamic, by staying with your needs and requests, and release attachment to outcome. Start by shifting your attention from the other person to get clear on what's true for you. Read on for strategies to transform reactivity, possible boundary setting behaviors, typical signs of escalation, and more.

Help for Overwhelm

Intermediate Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 3-5 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
Read time: 3-5 minutes
Reducing overwhelm requires you to reconnect with your authentic choice, be present and compassionate with what's happening, heal trauma, and interrupt the trauma response. Read on for ways that may help you reconnect with your choice, presence and more on trauma.

Dissolving Reactivity With Your Partner

Intermediate Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 3-5 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
Read time: 3-5 minutes
Most reactivity in intimate relationships comes from a lack of confidence in maintaining intimacy, autonomy, or security. What may help is naming what's happening, interrupting shame, and anchoring or reassuring yourself. You can also reflect on the effects of acting from reactivity. Knowing what helps center you, ask your partner to do or say specific things that might help. Read on for more.

Healing a Repetitive Reactive Dynamic

Intermediate Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 3-5 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
Read time: 3-5 minutes
In healing reactivity try identifying your most common complaints, wishes, or requests. Or when you tend to defend, justify, get angry, or protect. Find the tender needs. You can recall when you experienced deep nourishment of that need. Several times a week nourish your tender needs. Be clear about the strategy to address needs by answering key questions. Read on for more.

Helping Another Find Willingess

Intermediate Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 4-6 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
Read time: 4-6 minutes
Is there someone you wish was more willing? Try guessing what obstacles they might be struggling with. And allow yourself to feel your grief. As you grapple with your own desire for someone to find their willingness, its essential to recognize that this is about you and your needs. You can also express your needs honestly, make requests for how to collaborate, and be responsive to what they want. Read on for more on this, plus four common ways someone’s willingness might be blocked.

Empathy vs. Investigation

Beginner Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 4-6 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
Read time: 4-6 minutes
To tell the difference between empathy and investigation, watch for distinctions along four different dimensions: energy, subject, intention and trust. These distinctions can help us engage awareness and skill to meet your needs and respond to others’ needs in more direct ways. The more you meet your needs in conscious and direct ways, the more present you can be for others. Read on for more about how to do this.

Equanimity and the Holidays

Intermediate Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 2-3 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
Read time: 2-3 minutes
If you're unpleasantly triggered during the holidays you may find yourself responding in ways you don't like. Start by acknowledging how affected you are to bring in more curiosity, mindfulness and eventually, authentic and discerning choices.

How to Invite Shared Vulnerability

Beginner Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 3-4 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
Read time: 3-4 minutes
Shared vulnerability can build more intimacy, mutuality, being seen and heard, empathy, or community. Inviting shared vulnerability means earning another’s trust that you can consistently offer attentive, curious, and compassionate listening. Here are four strategies to invite shared vulnerability.

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