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NVC Resources with LaShelle Lowe-Chardé


Repair: Responding To A Lack Of Empathy

Practice Exercise • 4 -6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 -6 minutes
When someone stimulates your pain, you may want them to express care and empathy for your experience. If they're unwilling, you may resent it. You may forget the power of many strategies to meet a need, and you lose your agency. This can lead to reactive habits in you -- such as pleading, demanding, or attacking. Here are reasons you may not be getting an apology or empathy, and what options...

The Importance of Anger

Practice Exercise • 2 - 3 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
2 - 3 minutes
Anger matters because it can let you know that you perceive a threat to universal need for yourself or someone else. It can draw your attention to something so that you can take effective action. Anger becomes a hindrance when you amp it up with your thoughts about what should(n't) happen. Instead, notice any "should" thoughts, see anger as a signal, accept that it's okay to have it, and look...

10 Ways To Identify Your Needs

Practice Exercise • 3 -5 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
3 -5 minutes
To learn to identify and speak from your needs requires specific tasks and practices. Here's a list of 10 learning tasks and practices for you to choose from. Some of these ideas include using needs cards and lists, working backwards from strategies and ideal scenarios, reflecting on past experiences and relationships, and asking for/offering/exchanging empathy.

How To Interrupt Gossip

Practice Exercise • 3-5 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
3-5 minutes
Reflect on a time when you were either expressing gossip or participating passively. What feelings and needs were up for you at the time? How might you have interrupted the gossip with connection? When interrupting gossip it can take a few rounds of empathy and honest expression to bridge understanding, and create a space in which mutual care and curiosity arises. Read on for an example.

How To Understand Control

Practice Exercise • 2 - 3 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
2 - 3 minutes
When someone behaves in a way that you may label convincing, cajoling, guilt-tripping, threatening, analyzing, or criticizing, you may be tempted to guess they have a "need" for control. Instead, name what this person is doing that isn't meeting your needs. If it is a true need your heart will have softened. If you feel resentment or resistance, you are likely making a judgment rather than...

Recognize and Manage Reactivity About Your Cause

Practice Exercise • 3 - 5 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
3 - 5 minutes
When we care about our cause and want to mitigate disaster, we may become reactive. However, transformation comes through connection, rather than convincing, judging, criticising, controlling, and making demands of others. To inspire change, get curious about how they relate to the topic – and get support for yourself elsewhere to process grief, become more present and compassionate, speak...

Understanding And Recognizing Enmeshment

Practice Exercise • 4 - 6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes
Enmeshment refers to confusion about who is responsible for what. This lack of clear boundaries results in attempts to manage the other person's experience as a substitute for managing your own. When you think you're contributing to another person, but you're actually acting from enmeshment, there's inner tension and contraction. Read on for 16 common signs of enmeshment so that you can know...

Applying Mindful Compassionate Dialogue To Violence In Ukraine

Practice Exercise • 12 -17 mins • 
Practice Exercise
12 -17 mins
How to maintain conscious connection and compassion as you grapple with the tragic violence in Ukraine? Here we'll look at dissolving enemy images we have, inviting mourning, maintaining self connection that benefits our global community, creating ideas for action, acknowledging the power of what we envision, and engaging in an exercise for applying consciousness and skills to an imaginary...

A Positive Relationship With Reactivity

Practice Exercise • 4 - 6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes
With practice we can prevent reactivity from overtaking and harming: notice signs of reactivity, bring compassion to it, see reactivity as the misperception of threat and a distortion of what's happening, plus engage and pursue connection and the clarity to weaken reactive impulses. In taking responsibility like this overtime, you can live from your values and from care. And life can get easier...

Needs-Based Negotiation: 3 Stages Of Dialogue And 3 Types Of Reactivity

Practice Exercise • 6 - 9 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
6 - 9 minutes
When there's quality connection then collaboration and creativity generosity of heart can come. Then strategies honoring everyone’s needs are easier. This requires us to trust connection, hear needs, brainstorm, experiment, prepare, and hold confidence that everyone’s needs can be met. Needs-based negotiation starts there. What derails this? Feeling urgency, listening from our (dis)likes or...

Help For The Cycle Of Overwhelm And Withdrawal

Practice Exercise • 3-5 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
3-5 minutes
If withdrawal is your stress pattern, you likely want to belong and yet have habits of expression that others find uninviting. Instead, soften, relax, and open your posture and energy. Find something that will bring you to smile. Engage with others -- make eye contact, smile, walk towards others, say hello, and sit in an open posture. Let others know that you're a bit overwhelmed, but want to...

Two Basics That Support Conflict Resolution

Practice Exercise • 4 - 6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes
Connecting with self and other is key to care and creativity. Before dialogue connect with your intention and needs for being with grief, fear or pain, and empathy. Dialogue when you're both rested, fed, and have spaciousness. Start by expressing care and desire to find mutually satisfying solutions. To deepen connection you may repeat what you hear and ask the other person to do the same.

How To Create Supportive Conditions For Sharing Vulnerably

Practice Exercise • 5 - 7 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
5 - 7 minutes
Sharing more vulnerably provides opportunities for fulfilling connection. As social beings we rely on feedback to see our effect on others. We can get that feedback through body language, facial cues and words. To expand your capacity to share more vulnerably you can create supportive conditions and timing. You can ask for feedback by making in-the-moment requests of others and yourself before...

Understanding Judgement And Criticism

Practice Exercise • 4 - 6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes
Judging or criticizing others indicates pain, unmet needs and a coping strategy. It distracts you from yourself and can give you the illusion of control. You may think you see more than they do, imagining criticism will bring change. But even a correct analysis won’t inspire change if they hear criticism. Instead, the moment you notice judgments or criticism turn towards yourself with...

Six Ways That Support You Being Heard

Practice Exercise • 6 - 9 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
6 - 9 minutes
When you don't have a sense of being heard you can apply skills to help you can interrupt cycles of reactivity and resentment, and create connection. Let's look at six ways that will support you in being heard. These are clarity about the topic and needs; supportive conditions; respect for autonomy; sharing your intention; attending to emotional security; and making clear requests.

Understanding The Difference Between Life-Serving Boundaries And Threats

Practice Exercise • 4 - 6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes
When someone's behavior costs us, we may attempt to negotiate as much as possible. After some rounds of this, if there's no change we may reach a tolerance limit. So we may set a boundary for self care and clarity about what's unworkable. But depending on intentions and the way its said, this may or may not be a punishment to get even. Here, clarity about intentions, feelings, needs, actions...

Keys To Building Trust After Broken Agreements

Practice Exercise • 3 - 5 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
3 - 5 minutes
Building trust involves each person taking responsibility for what they want by identifying their needs, and making specific and doable requests that open a negotiation. Identify in what contexts you already have trust, what you want to be able to trust, and how you may be blocking or cultivating that trust. Making requests for specific actions of what to do differently can also help.

Wishing For More Maturity & Skill In Others

Practice Exercise • 3-5 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
3-5 minutes
In some situations you might expect people to show a degree of maturity or skill. When they don't, your anger-fueled response doesn't lead to lasting improved relationship change. Instead, find someone who retains focus on your feelings and needs rather than colluding with you about what should(n't) be. This can support greater acceptance, grief, vulnerability, groundedness and discernment,...

How to Balance Differentiation and Bonding

Article • 5 -7 minutes • 
Article
5 -7 minutes
When a relationship has both differentiation and bonding you can express differences and unmet needs, and responsibly do your own thing without it being a threat to the bond with another. You honor each others choices. There's trust rather than a sense of resentful obligation. Needs-based negotiation is easier. See if you tend to emphasize only differentiation or bonding in your relationships....

Responding To "Power Over" Interactions

Article • 5 - 7 minutes • 
Article
5 - 7 minutes
Based on your observations of "power with" interactions choose a specific, do-able to practice so that you're prepared the next time you're in a power under/power over dynamic. Keep the practice simple to do in a difficult moment. Then reflect: identify what you did (internally or externally) or said that (de)escalated the dynamic. This practice requires noticing what went well, self...