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NVC Resources with LaShelle Lowe-Chardé


The Basics of Life-Serving Boundaries

Practice Exercise • 4 - 6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes
Setting boundaries takes being firmly grounded in self-respect and clear about what works for you. This means making conscious choices about how you relate to another or behave in a situation. Such clarity allows you to put your attention and energy where you want it to go. Thus we can have care and compassion without taking responsibility for others, nor feeling guilty when we say “no”. This...

Breaking Free of "If Only You Were Different, They Would Change"

Practice Exercise • 4 - 6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes
Because we affect one another it can be hard to know where to take responsibility and where to leave it with the other person. This means we need self empathy, and presence for another's struggles without compulsion to "make them happy" or bring them healthy change. You can then attend to the needs and to your choice about if and how you want to contribute with compassion. Respect them as...

Finding Freedom In Marriage

Practice Exercise • 4 - 6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes
Marriage can be seen as a limit on freedom. Ideas of compromise collude with this view. Instead, notice when your "yes" to your partner is laden with obligation, duty, guilt, fear, or an attempt to win love or approval, and how it's not a truly free "yes". True freedom is different from compulsion, and doesn't conflict with other needs. When have you experienced true freedom? What conditions...

Boundaries - The Journey To Being Able To Say "No"

Article • 5 - 8 minutes • 
Article
5 - 8 minutes
Struggling to say "no"? Here are ways you change your adjacent mind patterns. First, note the differences between those who respect boundaries and those who often don't. Second, review situations in which you lost track of your choice. And rehearse what it would sound, look, and feel like if you kept connection to your choice. Third, seek validation of your experience - from a grounded and...

Changing A One-Way Caretaking Relationship

Practice Exercise • 5 - 8 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
5 - 8 minutes
Notice situations where you're attending to another and giving up on your needs with resentment or a sense of submitting. You can also watch for “shoulds,” obligation, and black-and-white thinking around the support you offer. Is there a sense that if you don't carry out a particular action something bad will happen? If so, identify the needs at hand and brainstorm a variety of strategies to...

How To Find Your Center Instead of Defending

Practice Exercise • 5 - 8 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
5 - 8 minutes
Notice when you start to defend. Is your body tensing up? Feeling desperate for the other to understand you or your intentions? Find yourself explaining your behavior, giving all the good reasons why you did what you did? Trying to convince the other of your good intentions? If so, ask yourself: “Is this what I want to be doing right now? Is this really helping?” then practice one of these...

Healthy Differentiation: Learning To Be Your Authentic Self

Practice Exercise • 6 - 9 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
6 - 9 minutes
Healthy differentiation is key to personal growth, learning and thriving relationships. When healthy differentiation is present, you can discern what's true for you and what you are and aren't responsible for in an interaction, and can be fully who you are in the presence of others. There are a number of ways you can become aware of and cultivate healthy differentiation. Let’s look at two here:...

Alarm Feelings: Anger, Guilt, Shame and Shut Down

Practice Exercise • 4 - 6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes
Anger, guilt, shame, and shutdown are often based on reactivity and “should” thinking. They narrow and distort perceptions, which can bring more suffering. So instead, feel them without resistance, nor acting on them. Bring clarity by naming your observables and thoughts, plus your underlying vulnerable feelings, needs and self-responsibility. Then mourn what needs were, or are, unmet. Only...

3 Simple Keys To Dissolving Reactivity In Dialogue

Practice Exercise • 7 - 10 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
7 - 10 minutes
Reactivity can be big or subtle. Pressuring yourself or someone to be or do a certain way without trying to understand them with curiosity, is a form of reactivity. Reactivity can create much damage in the short and long term. Catch it early –through discernment, transparency, and remembering that connection is key– and you can foster more open and fulfilling relationships.

Understanding Arguments Against NVC

Practice Exercise • 3 - 5 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
3 - 5 minutes
Even those who practice NVC can repeat old patterns of thinking, believing, feeling, and behaving. If they do, but still use ‘NVC language’ others may think the issue is NVC rather than the person’s capacity. This week, notice even a small instance where someone is against something you suggest. To build trust and connection, experiment with offering empathy or asking them to share what they...

Understanding The Obstacle of Limiting Beliefs With Regard To Making Requests

Practice Exercise • 2-3 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
2-3 minutes
When you attempt to make a request what limiting beliefs come up? See if you recognize any from this list. Then compassionately observe your body sensations, impulses, feelings, needs, memories, energy, and images. In making the request ensure your request is connected to your needs, is doable, what you want, and not attached to them saying yes.

Repair: Responding To A Lack Of Empathy

Practice Exercise • 4 -6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 -6 minutes
When someone stimulates your pain, you may want them to express care and empathy for your experience. If they're unwilling, you may resent it. You may forget the power of many strategies to meet a need, and you lose your agency. This can lead to reactive habits in you -- such as pleading, demanding, or attacking. Here are reasons you may not be getting an apology or empathy, and what options...

The Importance of Anger

Practice Exercise • 2 - 3 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
2 - 3 minutes
Anger matters because it can let you know that you perceive a threat to universal need for yourself or someone else. It can draw your attention to something so that you can take effective action. Anger becomes a hindrance when you amp it up with your thoughts about what should(n't) happen. Instead, notice any "should" thoughts, see anger as a signal, accept that it's okay to have it, and look...

10 Ways To Identify Your Needs

Practice Exercise • 3 -5 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
3 -5 minutes
To learn to identify and speak from your needs requires specific tasks and practices. Here's a list of 10 learning tasks and practices for you to choose from. Some of these ideas include using needs cards and lists, working backwards from strategies and ideal scenarios, reflecting on past experiences and relationships, and asking for/offering/exchanging empathy.

How To Interrupt Gossip

Practice Exercise • 3-5 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
3-5 minutes
Reflect on a time when you were either expressing gossip or participating passively. What feelings and needs were up for you at the time? How might you have interrupted the gossip with connection? When interrupting gossip it can take a few rounds of empathy and honest expression to bridge understanding, and create a space in which mutual care and curiosity arises. Read on for an example.

How To Understand Control

Practice Exercise • 2 - 3 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
2 - 3 minutes
When someone behaves in a way that you may label convincing, cajoling, guilt-tripping, threatening, analyzing, or criticizing, you may be tempted to guess they have a "need" for control. Instead, name what this person is doing that isn't meeting your needs. If it is a true need your heart will have softened. If you feel resentment or resistance, you are likely making a judgment rather than...

Recognize and Manage Reactivity About Your Cause

Practice Exercise • 3 - 5 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
3 - 5 minutes
When we care about our cause and want to mitigate disaster, we may become reactive. However, transformation comes through connection, rather than convincing, judging, criticising, controlling, and making demands of others. To inspire change, get curious about how they relate to the topic – and get support for yourself elsewhere to process grief, become more present and compassionate, speak...

Understanding And Recognizing Enmeshment

Practice Exercise • 4 - 6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes
Enmeshment refers to confusion about who is responsible for what. This lack of clear boundaries results in attempts to manage the other person's experience as a substitute for managing your own. When you think you're contributing to another person, but you're actually acting from enmeshment, there's inner tension and contraction. Read on for 16 common signs of enmeshment so that you can know...

Applying Mindful Compassionate Dialogue To Violence In Ukraine

Practice Exercise • 12 -17 mins • 
Practice Exercise
12 -17 mins
How to maintain conscious connection and compassion as you grapple with the tragic violence in Ukraine? Here we'll look at dissolving enemy images we have, inviting mourning, maintaining self connection that benefits our global community, creating ideas for action, acknowledging the power of what we envision, and engaging in an exercise for applying consciousness and skills to an imaginary...

A Positive Relationship With Reactivity

Practice Exercise • 4 - 6 minutes • 
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes
With practice we can prevent reactivity from overtaking and harming: notice signs of reactivity, bring compassion to it, see reactivity as the misperception of threat and a distortion of what's happening, plus engage and pursue connection and the clarity to weaken reactive impulses. In taking responsibility like this overtime, you can live from your values and from care. And life can get easier...