Library Resources with demands

Taking 100% Responsibility offers a powerful antidote to the all-too-common dynamic of blaming that leaves you in the victim position and unable to have the relationship you want. Miki invites you to assume a stance of leadership while holding full care for both parties’ needs. No longer will you need to wait for the other person to change, nor will you need to give up your needs to reach harmony.

Sylvia Haskvitz offers a practical and effective approach to making requests. Learn the two questions that can clarify your motivation for making a request, three ways to discern a request from a demand, and five possible reasons for meeting requests.

You may want to shift power dynamics in intimate and family relationships -- especially if there's longstanding, unprocessed hurts. Reflect on where, when and with whom you tend to enter reactive “power over” patterns. Explore the feelings and needs that are up for you in those contexts. Imagine other ways that could meet your needs in, or before, those moments. In this way, in similar situations you can have more access to choice.

Trainer tip: Demands are more likely to limit the possibilities and create distance between people. The trick to asking something as a request is valuing everyone’s needs equally. When you value everyone’s needs equally, then you are more willing to come to solutions that satisfy everyone. It thus opens possibilities and helps build connection.

Trainer tip: Be aware of times when you are judging others, demanding, making comparisons, or denying responsibility for your actions. Notice how these communication patterns affect your connection with other people.

When we ask something of a person and threaten negative repercussions if she doesn’t comply, we're making a demand. Demands limit the possible responses and reduce joyful participation. Instead, look to find mutually satisfying resolutions. And look for ways to change your demand into a request. Read on for more.

Trainer Tip: We can improve our relationships by focusing our attention first on connection instead of other stragegies.

Trainer Tip: Persisting without demanding is the art of what Marshall Rosenberg fondly called "Dogging for our needs." We can learn to not give up on our needs and at the same time, refrain from demanding they be met.

Trainer Tip: Anger can be an opportunity to hear the "Please" behind the words and create a path to resolve conflicts compassionately.

Ask the Trainer: "In trainings I say our jackals are thoughts and now I've come to wonder if all thoughts are jackals...?"