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Create Mutuality Rather Than Keeping Score

Article •  3 - 5 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
3 - 5 minutes

Where do you feel desperation, resentment, anger about your partner's choices? What do you want to demand of them? Rather than looking for what they're suppose to do, look for your feelings and needs, how would you would respond if you trusted your needs could be met without your partner, and what you choose to do given what your partner offers and does not offer.


Facing the Holidays in a Pandemic

Article •  4 - 6 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
4 - 6 minutes

The pandemic asks us to examine the way we have always done things. It asks to try something new and notice what happens. This is an opportunity to ask why you have done holidays in a certain way and what needs it met to do it that way. Perhaps it is an opportunity to experiment and see what new things might arise. Read on for questions to ask yourself that might help you process your triggers, "should's", feelings, needs and dilemmas.


How To Listen and Find Aliveness in Containment

Article •  5-9 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
5-9 minutes

Physical distancing is opportunity to creatively to meet your needs in new ways. In this containment, with very few cues from others and the environment you now have a rare opportunity with less external distraction to rethink what's truly supportive -- and make significant changes to the less noticable habits of mind, standards and "should's". Applying questions and noticing certain symptoms can support. Read on for more.


Inner Conflict and Agreements with Yourself

Article •  4 - 6 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
4 - 6 minutes

There are three things you can do to sort inner conflict and make doable, sustainable agreements with yourself. This capacity can build trust with yourself to follow through, and to develop diverse and creative solutions -- thereby increasing confidence and ease.


Exercise For Saying "No" And Staying Connected

Practice Exercise •  1 - 2 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Practice Exercise
1 - 2 minutes

Ever have a hard time saying "no" to someone, or feel obligated to say yes? Here's an exercise that can help you notice where you are placing yourself as someone who "has to" say yes; the needs in the other person making the request; what you want to say "yes" to (regarding your needs and theirs) by saying "no"; what prevents you from saying "yes"; plus your request and how you might express it.


Working With Our Mixed “Yes”

Practice Exercise •  1-2 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Practice Exercise
1-2 minutes

For this exercise choose a situation in which you have said a “yes” to someone‛s request but you didn't experience your “yes” as given freely or joyfully. Then explore judgements, feelings, needs, and alternate strategies that come up in relation to your “yes”, your “no”, and in relation to what the other person might be experiencing.


Finding Freedom In Marriage

Practice Exercise •  4 - 6 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes

Marriage can be seen as a limit on freedom. Ideas of compromise collude with this view. Instead, notice when your "yes" to your partner is laden with obligation, duty, guilt, fear, or an attempt to win love or approval, and how it's not a truly free "yes". True freedom is different from compulsion, and doesn't conflict with other needs. When have you experienced true freedom? What conditions support your access to freedom?


Breaking Free of "If Only You Were Different, They Would Change"

Practice Exercise •  4 - 6 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Practice Exercise
4 - 6 minutes

Because we affect one another it can be hard to know where to take responsibility and where to leave it with the other person. This means we need self empathy, and presence for another's struggles without compulsion to "make them happy" or bring them healthy change. You can then attend to the needs and to your choice about if and how you want to contribute with compassion. Respect them as autonomously in charge of their unique process of change. With this, you honor your life and theirs. And where, what, and how you will invest your precious life energy.


Find Space Between Needs And Strategies

Practice Exercise •  4-6 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Practice Exercise
4-6 minutes

Confidence, flexibility, creativity and equanimity may become more possible when you would like someone to meet a particular need, can trust that you can meet that need with someone else, and can accept a “no” to your requests. You can allow grief or disappointment to arise, and naturally turn towards a relationship in which those needs can be met. In some cases this may lead to the dissolution of a partnership or friendship.


Motivation Through Joy

Trainer Tip •  1-2 minutes
Introductory Skill Level
Trainer Tip
1-2 minutes

Pay attention to when you're motivated by guilt, duty, obligation, shame, and worry. How do you feel? Does it bring up resentment, rebellion, submission, reactivity or resistance? When you're motivated by joy notice how that feels, and how others respond. Read on for a related story.


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