Simple Interventions for Chronic Reactivity

Article •  6-9 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
6-9 minutes

For each reactive pattern there is a perceived threat to a tender need. Knowing these tender needs helps us figure out how to interrupt these patterns and creating new ways of perceiving and relating to life. In addition to knowing the need, knowing the healing response and the primary reactive behavior helps with transformation.


Connected Decision Making

Article •  2-3 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
2-3 minutes

If you're stuck when making a decision with someone, it's likely that you've skipped hearing and connecting to one another's needs. Slow down and listen for what's really important underneath the content. This allows you to make decisions that are more fulfilling and harmonious.


Getting Stuck Arguments Unstuck

Article •  3-5 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
3-5 minutes

Some arguments stay stuck because each person thinks it's about the content of the argument, rather than the needs each person is attempting to protect. When the needs get attached to the strategies a "no way out" scenario gets created. Instead, fully step into one another's worlds and connect to the feelings and needs behind the strategy each party is putting forth. Read on for six elements to creating empathic connection.


Practicing Non-Reactivity

Article •  3 - 5 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
3 - 5 minutes

For this practice assume that reactivity is arising any time you are distracted and not enjoying something. Practice throughout the day by focusing your attention for a few moments on something specific that you find pleasing. Notice the sensation of joy or pleasure in your body, and hold attention there longer than usual. This interrupts tension and contraction. Keep remembering to do this. When you go too long without directing your attention in this way, the practice becomes less accessible.


Inner Conflict and Agreements with Yourself

Article •  4 - 6 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
4 - 6 minutes

There are three things you can do to sort inner conflict and make doable, sustainable agreements with yourself. This capacity can build trust with yourself to follow through, and to develop diverse and creative solutions -- thereby increasing confidence and ease.


Creating an Internal Secure Base

Article •  5 - 8 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
5 - 8 minutes

We each hold an internal model or set of expectations about how caring and comfort could be accessed in relationship. The ability to reflect upon and challenge our own dominant model of perceptions, beliefs, and behaviors --and to experience discomfort and vulnerability-- is a key feature of "security". If not, an "attachment reactivity" arises -- where sense of insecurity, separateness, and belief that love, and acceptance can't be trusted nor accessed reliably. Thus change would require intensive support. Here's a guide to help you reflect and access change.


When You Are Being "Talked At"

Article •  5 - 8 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
5 - 8 minutes

Has someone ever talked to you to the extent that you're no longer enjoying it, and you now wonder if they even know you're there? Learn ways to bring in emotional understanding, engage more honestly and open-heartedly, and bridge next steps to the type of conversation that engages everyone's needs.


Using an Anchor in Self-Empathy

Article •  5 - 8 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
5 - 8 minutes

An anchor awakens parts of you that can access a bigger perspective. Also, it can reduce your reactivity, increase conscious relating, and support self-compassion. An anchor helps you get a little bit bigger than the reactivity you are experiencing so that you can access a wiser discernment. It is simple, and can be done anytime and anywhere. Learn to direct your attention to develop your anchor in self-empathy.


Asking to be Known

Article •  7 - 12 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
7 - 12 minutes

There are various ways to be known. Learn how to engage and make clear requests accordingly. This includes getting clear in yourself about what exactly you want known; communicating how important it is to you; sharing examples in your life of being known; requesting and negotiating from the energy of the met need; letting the other person know whether or not the relationship is really sustainable for you if the need goes unmet long-term; and checking the other person's capacity.


Secure Differentiation

Article •  4 - 6 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
4 - 6 minutes

Differentiation is being who you are in the presence of who they are. Its a process of connecting to and honoring your own experience, acting in integrity with your values, and engaging in collaboration with others to meet needs. If you're happier when you are not in an intimate relationship you may have developed your individuality but likely have difficulty with differentiation. Learn core skills and behaviors that support differentiation.


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