Working with Subtle Boundary Violations

Applied NVC •  Article •  Read time: 7-11 minutes
Applied NVC
Article
Read time: 7-11 minutes
Subtle boundary violations are more difficult to catch and name in the moment, than obvious boundary violations. Becoming more aware of these moments and finding the words to set a boundary are critical to supporting healthy relating long-term. Three categories of subtle boundary violations are (1.) lack of mutuality, (2.) voice tone and volume, and (3.) speaking for or about someone. Read on to learn more about all three.

How To Listen and Find Aliveness in Containment

Intermediate Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 5-9 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
Read time: 5-9 minutes
Physical distancing is opportunity to creatively to meet your needs in new ways. In this containment, with very few cues from others and the environment you now have a rare opportunity with less external distraction to rethink what's truly supportive -- and make significant changes to the less noticable habits of mind, standards and "should's". Applying questions and noticing certain symptoms can support. Read on for more.

Feelings vs Interpretations

Beginner Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 1-2 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
Read time: 1-2 minutes
Here's a list of words that pose as feelings, but are actually interpretations of what you think someone is doing to you. They trigger defensiveness in another thereby preventing a connected dialogue. Behind each of these words are precious feelings and needs. This sheet includes ways to distinguish feelings from interpretations.

Emotional Regulation Strategies

All Skill Levels •  Learning Tool •  Read time: 2-3 minutes
All Skill Levels
Learning Tool
Read time: 2-3 minutes
Emotional regulation is the consistent capacity to fully experience one’s feelings, particularly when they are intense and/or painful. Here are 36 practices that help with emotional regulation that can be done alone or with others. Read on for more.

Honor Your Need to be Heard

Beginner Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 2-3 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
Read time: 2-3 minutes
When you want to be heard, first check if your listener is available. This honors yourself, and the other person’s choice about listening. You need to be clear about wanting a particular quality of listening, and that you are willing to wait if that isn’t available in the moment. Read on for how to ask for listening in a way that can build trust that your request isn't a demand.

The Mobilizing Power of Anger

All Skill Levels •  Article •  Read time: 3-5 minutes
All Skill Levels
Article
Read time: 3-5 minutes
Anger can result in violence or in a movement towards positive change. We can see this happen in the push for racial justice. When you perceive anger as a form of violence your nervous system becomes activated. Your perspective narrows and old conditioning can take over leading to overwhelm, defensiveness, hatred, or violence. Read on for four ways to to respond to our own or others' anger in a way that mobilizes desired change.

Setting Boundaries with Attraction

All Skill Levels •  Article •  Read time: 3-5 minutes
All Skill Levels
Article
Read time: 3-5 minutes
Attraction to others is neither good nor bad. Although it's pleasurable it doesn’t necessarily help with wise discernment. When it arises, it's up to you to engage in wise discernment about how you manage it. This guide provides practices and points of focus to engage your own attraction in a way that holds more choice about what will meet needs for yourself and others, and what role attraction plays.

Emergency Interventions for Escalating Arguments

Beginner Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 2-3 minutes
Beginner Skill Level
Article
Read time: 2-3 minutes
Mid-conversation you may find yourself sliding into defending, shutting down, attacking, or blaming. Here's a list of possible emergency interventions that can help slow down escalation and return you to connection.

Setting Boundaries with Reactivity

Intermediate Skill Level •  Article •  Read time: 4-6 minutes
Intermediate Skill Level
Article
Read time: 4-6 minutes
Tolerating reactivity, name-calling, blaming, guilt-tripping, or stonewalling can lead to resentment and hurt. Plus, the more you stay in a reactive dynamic, the more you are likely to reinforce the pattern. Setting life-serving boundaries arund reactivity is about letting another know that you aren’t going to participate in that kinds of dynamics. This means knowing what helps with handling difficulties and asking for that.

Finding Security in the Face of Fear

All Skill Levels •  Article •  Read time: 4-6 minutes
All Skill Levels
Article
Read time: 4-6 minutes
In pandemic we can notice where we seek security. For some, financial systems that seemed to offer security have suddenly become unpredictable. For others, living without such privilege, resources are even more difficult to access. And we become more vulnerable to illness and death. These changes can trigger fear, but also motivate choices that contribute to a sense of security. Read on for more.

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