Requests, the Fourth Component of Compassionate Communication

Trainer Tip: Making a request is critical because it can greatly lessen any tension in the situation. Plus, it can clarify for you and the people in your life what it would take to meet your need. Make at least one specific and doable request to someone today. Trainer Tip We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes. —John F. Kennedy Over the past few days, we have looked at the first three components of Compassionate Communication: observations, feelings, and needs. The fourth component is making a request. This component is critical because it clarifies for you and the people in your life what it would take to meet your need. Imagine that you said to your teenage daughter, “Honey, it seems like I haven’t seen you very much the last couple of weeks and I’m sad about that because I miss you and I’d like to spend more time with you.” If you don’t make a request, your daughter has to guess what you want. She may guess that you want to spend lots of time with her, when what you really want is a couple of hours one night this week. Or, she may assume that you are criticizing her for valuing her friends more than you. Or, she may think that no matter how much time she spends with you, it will never be enough for you. Making a request can bring clarity and relief to a conversation and greatly lessen any tension in the situation. Your request could sound like this: “Honey, it seems like I haven’t seen you very much the last couple of weeks and I’m sad about that because I miss you and I’d like to spend more time with you. Would you be willing to schedule a couple of hours that we can spend together some evening this week? We could brainstorm what we’d both enjoy doing.” In reality, your daughter might still resist your request. However, the opportunity for mutual satisfaction is much greater when you are clear about what you want. Make at least one specific and doable request to someone today. This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.