Trainer Tip: Mary shares how staying present to our anger and finding the underlying feelings and needs can lead to deeper connection and more satisfying outcomes. Trainer Tip Few blame themselves until they haveexhausted all other possibilities.—Anonymous When I am angry, it is likely that I am not getting something that I want and that I think I should get, and I am about to say something that will ensure I won’t get it. When we blame other people, we place ourselves in a dangerous position of not meeting our needs in that relationship. Instead, take a deep breath and don’t say anything. While taking this breath, quietly acknowledge to yourself your unmet needs and feelings in the situation. Only when you have connected to your feelings and needs should you consider speaking to the other person. Here is how it works. Let’s say your boss just told you, “This proposal is completely unacceptable. You have a half hour to fix it!” Take a breath and think to yourself, “Ugh. I am so ticked at him. He is so demanding and impossible to please because he gives such vague information.” Then connect to the feelings and needs beneath these judgments, “I really feel annoyed (feeling) because I’d like clarity about what he specifically wants (need).” Then, say aloud, “You know when I hear that I feel frustrated because I created the proposal based on your specifications. I need some clarity here. Would you be willing to tell me exactly what parts are unacceptable to you?” Such a communication is more likely to meet your needs for clarity, respect, and being valued. Be aware of opportunities today to practice connecting with yourself before responding to another person in anger. This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.