Yesterday was April Fool’s Day. This is a day when people play tricks on each other. My mother enjoyed playing little tricks on people so April Fool’s Day was one of her favorite holidays. One year when I was a little girl we were at the dinner table on April Fool’s Day when Mom said to my father, “John, did you notice anything unusual today?” “No” he said. “ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOUR UNDERWEAR TODAY?” “Oh! Yes, I thought I had put them on backward and so I just dealt with it.” My mother was disappointed. Apparently, she had sewn the fly in his boxers shut the night before. My father had noticed a dilemma but had assumed he put his boxers on backwards and so just adjusted to it for the rest of the day. We all thought that was hilarious.
This funny little story has been running through my head for the last two days. This morning I realized that I often respond to things as my father did. If something goes wrong, I assume it was my fault in some way and I adjust to the current circumstances.
I recently got a letter from the IRS which stated that a mistake had been made in my 2008 taxes. I was certain I’d made a mistake. So, I took my letter to my accountant, apologizing. The mistake was his, actually, and not mine at all. I left his office elated even though I owed the IRS more money.
Why is this? Why do I (and my father and so many people) assume that we are wrong? Or even that anyone has to be wrong?
I think it’s a core belief that we aren’t good enough, or that we’re not worthwhile. Each time we believe this old, outdated thought, we negate our true self, our beautiful, spiritual self that has value and purpose just because we are breathing.
I’m taking a deep breath just writing this now. I remember watching my mother hang on to life, frail as a rail, unable to feed herself, or even talk but she had breath, precious, life-giving breath. I realized then that as long as we breathe we are spiritual beings with value.
I’d like to remember this more often. It’s so easy to get hung up on thinking I’m supposed to do something, be better, or create an improved model of myself. Today I want to remember that I am already good enough and this present moment is all that matters. When I remember this, there’s no need for right/wrong thinking.