Anger can alert us that a need may be threatened. When anger lives in someone as a well-worn habit, it arises from a place of dissociation from one’s heart and is entangled with misinterpretations, a deep sense of threat, a history of pain, and social conditioning that isn’t life-serving. Read on for how intention, mindfulness, and specific actions can change that habit.
If we befriend our fear we cannot be paralyzed by it. Every fear that arises is a moment to increase our capacity. Fear is connected to something that is precious to us. We also can see what we do to numb our pain and how we try to avoid it. This knowledge can help us to choose healthier strategies to deal with our fears.
Reactivity is the misperception of threat coupled with lack of access to compassion and wisdom. Sensitivity is an ability to deeply perceive data, plus consciously attend to and attune to data, as it comes through the five senses. It can be a gift. If you lack the skill to care for any of your sensitivity-overwhelm by setting boundaries, you may develop reactive habits, like suddenly withdrawing or lashing out in order to get relief.
Being self-responsible is about empowerment — via noticing what is potentially in our locus of control, getting to know ourselves better, looking at our own role in how we experience life, and making conscious choices to act within our own power. This requires us to be mindful in relating our stories to our needs. Read on for more on this, and the various pifalls within thinking about self responsibility.
For this practice assume that reactivity is arising any time you are distracted and not enjoying something. Practice throughout the day by focusing your attention for a few moments on something specific that you find pleasing. Notice the sensation of joy or pleasure in your body, and hold attention there longer than usual. This interrupts tension and contraction. Keep remembering to do this. When you go too long without directing your attention in this way, the practice becomes less accessible.
Conversation can become more satisfying with depth. Depth is occurs when connection unfolds towards a depth of intimacy, presence, attunement, sensing -- and silent attentive connection where another is attentively seen and heard. Inviting this level of sharing in conversation relies on at least three major elements: attentive silence, the desire to connect and be known, and focus on present moment experience. Learn more about this way of engaging.
An anchor awakens parts of you that can access a bigger perspective. Also, it can reduce your reactivity, increase conscious relating, and support self-compassion. An anchor helps you get a little bit bigger than the reactivity you are experiencing so that you can access a wiser discernment. It is simple, and can be done anytime and anywhere. Learn to direct your attention to develop your anchor in self-empathy.
We're more likely to sacrifice trust, connection, and relationship quality when (1.) We use NVC to focus on being seen, understood, heard, or meeting our own needs in a way that eclipses our view and understanding of others needs; (2.) We don't clearly examine our intentions; and (3.) We use the NVC form so rigidly that it becomes difficult for others to connect with us authentically.
The more we practice NVC by “rote” --going through OFNR (“Observations, Feelings, Needs, Requests”) on automatic-- the more likely our NVC practice would lead to disconnection. The purpose of our NVC practice is to use this NVC "map" (OFNR) to support us in integrating the consciousness of the NVC (eg. operating with the intention to connect, collaborate, etc). Once we let the map drop away, we can engage with the people in our lives in a more heartfelt way. This article explains more about how we can use the map to remind us of our heartfelt consciousness...